putting it out there—it's time I gave a shit

When did I stop giving a shit about myself? I mean, really…when did I start to plummet into this "ehh...whatever" attitude? I'm not a sloth-tastic slob or anything, I just feel like I'm riding the river of indifference right now. LIving a life that doesn't pose much of a challenge. I keep telling JQ, that we need to stop living the life we KNOW and start living the one we WANT. Sounds great doesn't it? Then why is it so difficult to do?

I went to a Weight Watchers meeting today for the first time in a month. I had gained 4.8 pounds and I just didn't give a shit. I even had a cup of coffee before the meeting. That's a HUGE deal—when I was really "on program" and taking care of myself I wouldn't have so much as a sip of coffee before I walked into that morning meeting and met with the scale. But today I figured, what the hell, it's not going to change what I already know—I'm putting on weight and I need to take control of my life before I'm miserable by my standards.

During the meeting our leader Linda asked us, "Why this time? Why are you going to be successful in your journey this time?" Holy crap! This meeting could have been customized for ME. It wasn't, but it was exactly what I was looking for. As the members around me raised their hands and shared their answers, I thought about my reason. Then I struggled not to break down and cry in the middle of the meeting room with my Mom next to me and G-tot on my lap.

It wasn't the "Why THIS time?". It was the "Why the hell haven't you been successful for the past year?" that was surfacing in my mind. It was the realization that I just haven't really given a shit about myself. And it was totally depressing.

*Fuck, some dude just knocked on the door to solicit something and here I am crying. Sorry dude, I'll talk to you through the window but I'm not opening the door. Don't want to enter your contest or fill out your form. Have a nice day and go away.*

Anyway, it is time this attitude about my life has stopped. It's not just about the extra 25 pounds. I need to start consciously taking time for myself, in all aspects of my life. I could start by buying myself some new clothes—I HATE shopping for myself because I never like anything I try on. I could use a haircut. I need to start exercising. I need to start watching what sort of crap I'm eating ALL THE TIME. Less caffeine and more water. More sex (sorry Mom). More activities that utilize my creativity and talents. I need to start meditating and being more spiritual (whatever that may mean for me I have yet to find out).

I need to get out of this funk of feeling just so-so. I need more. Why am I going to be successful in my journey?


*Mom, this is not something I want to discuss on the phone. I needed to WRITE about it, not TALK about it. Your comments are always welcome here. I love you and I know you are dying to call me right now and console me. Please don't. I'll be okay. You know how sensitive I can be and I would probably cry. I'd rather not. *

lil' slugger

I'm feeling a little nostalgic today. So here's a picture of G-tot and me one year ago yesterday. Look at how tiny he is. Barely any hair and without the ability to stand on his own two feet. I loved that lil' slugger outfit he is was wearing. Sweet, helpless baby boy.

dirty cartoons

Am I the only one who finds the unintentional inappropriateness of children's cartoons to be absolutely hilarious? I mean come on, ADULTS are writing this stuff. They have to know that some of the dialog and animations are at times, not really aimed at their target market. They can't be that oblivious. Or can they?

Take this mornings episode of Clifford the Big Red Dog. I have no idea what the story line was but I glanced up from the kitchen sink to see two dogs running away from some nasty crows. The dogs got trapped under a wheelbarrow with the crows sitting on top of them. Still with me? Okay, this is where the perceived inappropriateness comes in.

Next thing I see is a gust of wind blowing the crows off the wheelbarrow. It was Clifford and he was wagging his tail to create the breeze to get rid of the crows. But in my mind? Clifford farted and he was wagging the stink at the crows. It works right? Dog farts are nasty and one from a giant dog would do the trick of clearing the room.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm immature. Perhaps I'm reading into these cartoons a bit too much.

It still makes me laugh…

rebranding

I'm considering dropping the name pixie's temple completely when I get my own domain. I'm wondering if that would be a huge mistake. Next month will be the 3rd anniversary of this here blog & it's always been *pixie* at pixie's temple. I had no idea I would still be doing this 3 years later when I signed up on Blogger as an offshoot of the forums I was a part of for Yourself!Fitness. A more personal space of my own.

I have a lot of ideas in the works that stem from being a blogger. And…since this blog is essentially a part of my personal brand…I want to make sure that it's the brand I want remembered. Like the Etsy shop for example. Do I want the shop to have the same name as the blog or do I do something different? How does it relate to this spot?

Does that make any sense at all? In my head it does but I feel like I'm rambling.

Anyway, what do you think?

weekly winners: july 20–26, 2008

wax bottles #1

little yellow stars

behind the garden fence

pink cosmos

through the flower bed

little blue bursts

wax bottles #2

nowhere to run to baby, nowhere to hide

I woke up in the middle of night yesterday screaming like a banshee. The menacing figure was hovering over me and I saw no way out of it. Or so I thought. In reality I was having a nightmare. One that was a bit too realistic for comfort and I had managed to wake the entire household up with my screaming. That's a pretty huge feat since JQ is a hard sleeper and G-tot was in another room. I was out of my head and confused, hyperventilating when I finally woke up. Not a pleasant experience.

When JQ finished putting G-tot back to bed, I snuggled up to him and rested my head on his chest. Next thing I know I was sobbing quietly, leaving a little wet spot on JQ's bare skin, thankful it was only a dream.

It's been a long time since I've had that sort of reaction to a dream. I can really only remember one other time where I was so engulfed in the nightmare that I had no idea where I was. That was in 1984 while I was on vacation in Williamsburg, Virginia with my Grandmother. I had eaten some bad chicken salad that afternoon and the resulting food poisoning put me in a stupor and I woke up that night searching for some familiarity, completely oblivious to the fact that my Grandma was right there trying to console me.

What sort of places do our minds delve into when we are in our golden slumbers? Why does it choose to stir up such fear when we are trying to rest and recoup? What nightmares surface when you sleep?

an apple for the teacher

Right now Apple is running their Back to School special—buy a Mac for college, get a free iPod. Simple enough. You even get your choice of a free iPod Touch or an iPod Nano. I love Macs and I love free things. Needless to say I wanted this deal. Lucky for me I work in the Education field and can take advantage of the Back to School specials. So I did.

With a measly 3.75 GB left on my laptop I'm giddy to be upgrading. But that's not what this post is about. It's really about the iPod.

I chose the iPod Touch—I mean really, who would prefer the Nano? You had an option of personalizing it with free engraving, which I absolutely took advantage of. I like to think of it as a little theft deterrent. An original marking. Like a tattoo…but I digress.

Back to my personalization. I wanted to do something a little different. Something beyond just my name. I did put my initials on it, but I added a little something extra. Something that makes me laugh every time I look at it.

click the picture if you can't read it

What do you think? Have you made the connection? Or are you completely lost?

drum beat

These homemade coffee can drums may look sweet and innocent enough but let me warn you…don't run with them. Especially if you're just a few feet tall.

don't be fooled by the jovial looking primates

Because if you fall, you might just land on the lip of the lid with your face. The resulting injury will not be pretty…but it's a sure fire way to get extra kisses from the ladies.

two small cut lines and a goose egg bump

Even if that lady is your Mom.

a few hours later the bump is gone but the mark stays

black out in a red room

For years before we bought our house I wanted a living room/family room with red walls. I had lived in too many apartments with white walls. Owning my own home would change that. I could paint the walls any color I wanted. And I wanted red. Ideally, I wanted a beautiful rich red with white trim and black furniture. Very modern. Very clean. Very cool.

That's not exactly what I got. Oh, I got my red walls alright. Beautiful red walls with streaks that were visible in the artificial light thrown down by the bulbs in the ceiling fan. Trim that was sort of white but not really because we never quite got to painting it. But not one bit of black furniture. More like a dark sandy color. Which was fine with me. It's great furniture and went well with the red walls, the hardwood floors, and the big creamy colored rug we bought when G-tot was just learning how to crawl.

So, for the past two and a half years I've had the red walls I've always wanted. The red walls that made our living room warm and cozy. The red walls that always seemed to require the addition of artificial lighting no matter what time of day. The red walls that were just too dark for our living room because of the pattern of the sun and the number of trees in our yard. The red walls that were a huge pain in the ass to paint.

The red walls that disappeared yesterday. At 9:00 p.m. JQ & I painted over each one of those dark red walls with primer. Two and a half hours later we finished. Now the room is really bright without a lick of artificial lighting and seems huge in comparison to the very same room with the dark red walls. The walls I had coveted for so many years.

We are by no means done with the room and when we finish it sometime this week the walls will not be white. But they will never be that rich dark red again either.

shooting blind

I've been playing around with some different shooting techniques lately. One of my newest favorite ways to shoot is blindly. Turn the camera on, point it in the general direction of what you want to shoot and click away. No looking through the viewfinder or LCD screen, no composing my shots, rarely even lifting the camera up past my waist.

How long will it be before his foot dwarfs that piece of chalk?

And you know what I've found? That some of these are my favorite shots. The unexpected beauty. Catching a moment with a subject unaware. Truth and purity. You should really try it sometime. Then come back here and let me know what you discovered while shooting blind.

weekly winners: july 13—19 2008

This is my first time participating in Weekly Winners. If you're stopping by from Lotus' place welcome & be sure you let me know by saying hello!

in the garden

fresh-picked pea

so delicious…

he had to eat another directly off the vine

baby, I'm a star

sidewalk chalk

tiny broken green piece in hand

bits & pieces

• I am a crabby ass on mornings when I have PMS and only get a few hours of sleep. Sorry, JQ.
  
  
• Tomorrow is my last day of work until the end of August. I'm just a wee bit excited.
  
  
• Grades are due on Monday and I turned mine in yesterday. For the first time ever I'm ahead of schedule and done five days before the deadline. I'm usually grading the weekend before they are due and driving out to work on that Monday to turn them in. It is liberating to not have that looming over me.
  
  
• We have an important meeting at work tonight and I am in charge of providing the meal for 10 people. I tried really hard to not over order (or under order for that matter). I hope I guessed correctly. Two whole chickens, four pounds of BBQ rib tips, 3 quarts of side dishes, 12 corn muffins, a pie and drinks. That sounds like enough for a light meal, right?
  
  
• I've eaten breakfast before 10 every morning since Saturday and haven't eaten past 9:30 on each of those nights. Coincidence?
  
  
• I need someone to put together a workout plan for me. Shades?

I look like a traffic cone

When you do things like this to entertain your kid…

…sooner or later they will return the favor.

That's my laptop bag. G-tot found it when he was rummaging through the larger bag I take to work. This is what he decided to do with it.

101 in 1001—an update

I went to update the post that contains my 101 in 1001 list, and holy crap, I was super behind on marking off my items in that post. I have a copy of the list taped to the kitchen cabinet—lovely, I know—and I've been writing down the date and highlighting the items as I've completed them.

So far I've completed 15 things. The updated list is here.

super why & princess presto

Look! G-tot and I made the local PBS website! We are picture numbers 145 & 146. And yes, I clicked through the first 144 previous pictures to find us. They are from the Claire's Day event we went to at the end of May. The woman who took the pictures told us they would be online but no other info than that. This past Sunday JQ, G-tot and I went to another PBS event, this time a WGTE funded Share-a-Story day. It was at the station which was cool because JQ and I got to peek in the windows and see some of the studios. Anyway, G-tot had his picture taken again and this time the photographer gave us a slip of paper with the website on it for looking at the pictures. The pictures aren't up from that event yet but with a bit of navigation I found the ones from Claire's Day. How cool!

balloon flower

2006 was the year we spent our first summer in our home. I had been dying to finally be able to plant perennials—or really anything—anywhere I wanted on my property. Being confined to a handful of potted annuals on a 4 x 6 foot porch that faced a parking lot for 5 years had really gotten old. Okay, so we also had a view of the Maumee River from our porch, but regardless I didn't have a yard to call my own and the foliage was less than desired. A lawn full of goose crap and a bunch of weeds and grape vines growing on the hill that led down to the river. The hill that was primarily out of view from our place. Let's just say that we mostly saw parking lot and grass. Plus, the gardener in me wanted to spread her photosynthesis-driven wings far and wide.

Click the picture to see the bug up close and personal.
Come on do it. See how much this camera rocks.

That first spring in our home I was ecstatic to be able to hunt for the perfect plants in my yard. In 2006 I found the balloon flower. I had never seen this beauty before but I was intrigued by what I saw on the little flower identification tag tucked along the edge of the pot.


Platycodon graniflorus has not disappointed. What started out as this tiny 5 inch plant has grown into this huge showy display. The branches seem to get so heavy and they just sprawl in all directions. I've been so happy with it that I bought another one this year. It looks so sad compared to the monster I planted two years ago. I know how much potential it has though, so I just smile at its minuteness.

one plant after two full seasons of growth

The flowers are so cool that the whole growing process is something to marvel. The buds start out small and round like an underdeveloped grape. Then they puff up and take on the appearance of a hot air balloon with out the bucket.
When they finally open they look like five-pointed stars with almost all trace of the balloon shape gone. Just beautiful.
They thrive in sun to part sun and come in a variety of colors. Very easy to grow and require little in the terms of maintenance. Plus they add some real visual interest to the landscape. I'm so happy I discovered their existence.

picnic

My wish for a family picnic came through last night. I never made it to the meat market so we picked up some fried chicken to go, but everything happened as planned. We ate the bacon wrapped cream cheese stuffed jalapeños before we left the house and JQ could not stop talking about them. Looks like we will be making a bunch of them in the near future.

unpacking the basket

JQ almost always makes a funny face when I 'm taking his picture. On purpose.

It's not very often we get to use our fancy picnic basket. I thought picnic time warranted the use of a real picnic basket so I dusted it off and packed it full of all the goodies I mentioned in yesterday's post. Everything was delicious.

Yummy!

The gnats were a bit annoying and at one point when I had tired of their constant buzzing about my food, I yelled to them in disgust, "I will eat you!". Good times. G-tot would not sit still while we were trying to eat (as witnessed below in my awesome stop motion style film) so—in an effort to actually enjoy dinner instead of just chasing after him—we had to bust out the stroller for him to eat at.



One of JQ's friends was playing at another park for their summer concert series last night so after dinner and some playground time we headed over there. The show started at 7 pm and so did the rain. We went up onto the gazebo along with the band right before it started pouring. We had been there about a half an hour when it let up enough that we could make a run for the car. By the time we got home G-tot was exhausted having just experienced his first picnic and first outdoor concert. I love family time.

home grown goodness

A quick peak of what I harvested from the garden this morning. I'm hoping JQ, G-tot, and I can go on a picnic this evening and what better way then to eat what we've grown. The two heads of broccoli will be mixed with some sharp cheddar, red onions, and a sweet mayo based dressing for a killer salad. I'll make a big tossed salad for JQ and I out of the Baby Bibb lettuce. The jalapeños will be added with the others I picked earlier in the week, stuffed with cream cheese, wrapped in bacon and grilled. I'll make some cilantro lime rice—from the cilantro of course. The green onions will get diced for the salad and trimmed to munch on with a little dip. Add some fried chicken that I'll make once I get to the meat market and I'd say we've got ourselves a picnic. I'll have to toss in some mandarin oranges for G-tot—since he can't eat the tossed salad or the jalapeños.

growing up—15 months

Dear Gideon,
Today you had your 15 month well baby check-up. Just as she always does, Dr. K said you are "growing beautifully". That's no surprise to me, I'm lucky enough to be your Mom and get to watch you grow beautifully every single day. You currently weigh 22 lb. 5 oz. and are 32 inches tall. You've had quite the growth spurt as that is a lot taller than you were just 3 months ago.

15 months—June 24, 2008

At the beginning of last month you started grabbing hold of our fingers and guiding us to some destination to perform for you. Whether it's to the piano on your round-about, to one of Daddy's guitars to play a tune, to the cupboard for snacks, or over to books that you want read, how can I refuse? I can't. If you aren't getting a satisfactory response by pulling on our fingers (hehehe...insert fart joke here)—or if our hands aren't conveniently located you'll grab anything you can to get us up (toes, shirts, heads).

You are super expressive and make some of the cutest faces. The "no" face with the pursed lips. The way you sign "all done" and "more". Even that deeply focused look of curiosity. All so adorable. You've started saying "awwww"and at all the right moments. You'll point to something that you like—like a dog—and say "awwww" in a tone that says, "Look Mom. Isn't this just so precious?" I wish we had it on video because it is just that cute. You're saying a lot of words now and some of your favorites are "Mama", "Dada", "boon" (for balloon), "book", and "owsigh" (for outside).

Faces like these are the reason we take so many pictures.

I'm still nursing you once a day—when you first wake up for the morning. It's the last bit of what has been a really special time for us and I'm having a hard time letting it go. Even typing this brings tears to my eyes. I know there are many people who would shake their heads in disapproval at the fact that I'm still nursing you after a year but I really don't care what they think. This may be the only time in my life that I get to experience such an intimate natural thing and I'm not going to let societal norms take that away from me. I can feel that the end is near though. This month you offered your stuffed monkey some milk one morning while nursing. Very generous, but the only monkey I'm nursing is you.

Some sort of sleeping mechanism finally clicked inside of you over the last month or so. I now have the pleasure of raising a child who takes a 2 hour nap in the morning and another 1 hour nap in the afternoon. Without the aid of being rocked to sleep. I'm also finally getting to experience sleeping through the night again. You go to bed around 7:30 each night and sleep for a glorious 11 or 12 hours. Thank you.


I still have not conceded to a haircut for you. Once we make that initial cut your baby hair will be gone and it will never be the same. I'm sure you're a little hot with that mop right now but it's just so cute. The way it curls up on the sides and in the back. I love it. I had said that I would cut your hair when people started saying, "She's so cute." Well…I'm a liar. I've been told that 3 times in the last month and I'm not budging on the haircut. I just say, "He's a boy, but thank you". Polite but to the point. You don't look like a girl, you're just so beautiful with that red hair and those blue eyes. As the old lady at the hot dog stand said to us last week, "He's just too pretty to be a boy." She meant it as a compliment. I swear.

See. It's not too long.

You love to be outside and are fascinated with picking peas in the garden. Just the other day you followed me into the garden, sidled past the tomatoes, shimmied up to the trellis and yanked a pea off the vine. You must have only gotten half of it because the next thing I see is you taking a bite of the pea part that was still hanging on the vine. When I showed your Dad later we could see your little teeth marks in the bit of pea still dangling there.

Another, umm… milestone this month was the first ever pooping in the tub. Fifteen months and we never had a turd bath. Hopefully this can be a one time thing. I was lucky enough to be at work when it happened but your Dad called me as soon as you and the tub were properly sanitized. I laughed, glad it didn't happen to me. I appreciate it.

I imagine you'll make this face again in 20 years when you're drunk telling your buddy how glad you are to be such good friends.

You aren't the only one who is growing. People are genuinely affected by you. At your Uncle Alex's graduation party a few weeks ago you were eating some of your Crunchie snacks. Phil was holding you at the time and you were insistent that he try one. Now, Phil is notorious for being extremely picky with his food and he did not want to eat that snack treat. But you would not give up—shoving it right into his mouth as soon as you had a chance. Phil was a trooper and ate it. It was a big day for him and I was oddly proud that he was a trooper and ate it even though it was the last thing he wanted to do. He did it because of you. You are just that special to him.

You're the best.
Love,
Momma

environmentally friendly

Today I watered the flower beds with water from the kiddie pool. I must have filled 20 watering cans up. Back and forth. Good for the arms. Good for Mother Nature. Good for my water bill.

Did you do anything today to help reduce your carbon footprint?

shit

That is our 10 foot umbrella that usually sits in our picnic table. What a waste. The damn thing has been a hassle since we got it—but oh how I wanted one. We got it two Christmases ago and couldn't use it because the stand we bought was too weak to hold it up properly. So it sat in the garage for an entire year—not being used. We needed a picnic table or a really heavy duty stand. We opted for a picnic table. Which we built a month ago.

Last night some serious storms whipped through the Toledo area. I just heard on the news we had 4 to 6 inches in our immediate area. Along with the rain came the wind. The wind that picked the umbrella up out of the hole in the top of the picnic table. The wind that bent the post in half near the base, ripped the canvas off, and bent half the spokes straight into the air the wrong direction.

The wind that turned our awesome umbrella into a piece of trash. What a waste of $100. Stupid wind.