When did I stop giving a shit about myself? I mean, really…when did I start to plummet into this "ehh...whatever" attitude? I'm not a sloth-tastic slob or anything, I just feel like I'm riding the river of indifference right now. LIving a life that doesn't pose much of a challenge. I keep telling JQ, that we need to stop living the life we KNOW and start living the one we WANT. Sounds great doesn't it? Then why is it so difficult to do?
I went to a Weight Watchers meeting today for the first time in a month. I had gained 4.8 pounds and I just didn't give a shit. I even had a cup of coffee before the meeting. That's a HUGE deal—when I was really "on program" and taking care of myself I wouldn't have so much as a sip of coffee before I walked into that morning meeting and met with the scale. But today I figured, what the hell, it's not going to change what I already know—I'm putting on weight and I need to take control of my life before I'm miserable by my standards.
During the meeting our leader Linda asked us, "Why this time? Why are you going to be successful in your journey this time?" Holy crap! This meeting could have been customized for ME. It wasn't, but it was exactly what I was looking for. As the members around me raised their hands and shared their answers, I thought about my reason. Then I struggled not to break down and cry in the middle of the meeting room with my Mom next to me and G-tot on my lap.
It wasn't the "Why THIS time?". It was the "Why the hell haven't you been successful for the past year?" that was surfacing in my mind. It was the realization that I just haven't really given a shit about myself. And it was totally depressing.
*Fuck, some dude just knocked on the door to solicit something and here I am crying. Sorry dude, I'll talk to you through the window but I'm not opening the door. Don't want to enter your contest or fill out your form. Have a nice day and go away.*
Anyway, it is time this attitude about my life has stopped. It's not just about the extra 25 pounds. I need to start consciously taking time for myself, in all aspects of my life. I could start by buying myself some new clothes—I HATE shopping for myself because I never like anything I try on. I could use a haircut. I need to start exercising. I need to start watching what sort of crap I'm eating ALL THE TIME. Less caffeine and more water. More sex (sorry Mom). More activities that utilize my creativity and talents. I need to start meditating and being more spiritual (whatever that may mean for me I have yet to find out).
I need to get out of this funk of feeling just so-so. I need more. Why am I going to be successful in my journey?
*Mom, this is not something I want to discuss on the phone. I needed to WRITE about it, not TALK about it. Your comments are always welcome here. I love you and I know you are dying to call me right now and console me. Please don't. I'll be okay. You know how sensitive I can be and I would probably cry. I'd rather not. *