Friday, August 1, 2008

putting it out there—it's time I gave a shit

When did I stop giving a shit about myself? I mean, really…when did I start to plummet into this "ehh...whatever" attitude? I'm not a sloth-tastic slob or anything, I just feel like I'm riding the river of indifference right now. LIving a life that doesn't pose much of a challenge. I keep telling JQ, that we need to stop living the life we KNOW and start living the one we WANT. Sounds great doesn't it? Then why is it so difficult to do?

I went to a Weight Watchers meeting today for the first time in a month. I had gained 4.8 pounds and I just didn't give a shit. I even had a cup of coffee before the meeting. That's a HUGE deal—when I was really "on program" and taking care of myself I wouldn't have so much as a sip of coffee before I walked into that morning meeting and met with the scale. But today I figured, what the hell, it's not going to change what I already know—I'm putting on weight and I need to take control of my life before I'm miserable by my standards.

During the meeting our leader Linda asked us, "Why this time? Why are you going to be successful in your journey this time?" Holy crap! This meeting could have been customized for ME. It wasn't, but it was exactly what I was looking for. As the members around me raised their hands and shared their answers, I thought about my reason. Then I struggled not to break down and cry in the middle of the meeting room with my Mom next to me and G-tot on my lap.

It wasn't the "Why THIS time?". It was the "Why the hell haven't you been successful for the past year?" that was surfacing in my mind. It was the realization that I just haven't really given a shit about myself. And it was totally depressing.

*Fuck, some dude just knocked on the door to solicit something and here I am crying. Sorry dude, I'll talk to you through the window but I'm not opening the door. Don't want to enter your contest or fill out your form. Have a nice day and go away.*

Anyway, it is time this attitude about my life has stopped. It's not just about the extra 25 pounds. I need to start consciously taking time for myself, in all aspects of my life. I could start by buying myself some new clothes—I HATE shopping for myself because I never like anything I try on. I could use a haircut. I need to start exercising. I need to start watching what sort of crap I'm eating ALL THE TIME. Less caffeine and more water. More sex (sorry Mom). More activities that utilize my creativity and talents. I need to start meditating and being more spiritual (whatever that may mean for me I have yet to find out).

I need to get out of this funk of feeling just so-so. I need more. Why am I going to be successful in my journey?


*Mom, this is not something I want to discuss on the phone. I needed to WRITE about it, not TALK about it. Your comments are always welcome here. I love you and I know you are dying to call me right now and console me. Please don't. I'll be okay. You know how sensitive I can be and I would probably cry. I'd rather not. *

19 comments:

Bluepaintred said...

I need to start consciously take time for myself, in all aspects of my life. I could start by buying myself some new clothes—I HATE shopping for myself because I never like anything I try on. I could use a haircut. I need to start exercising. I need to start watching what sort of crap I'm eating ALL THE TIME. Less caffeine and more water. More sex (sorry Mom). More activities that utilize my creativity and talents.

Im sorry? Did you just read my mind? This morning I started in earnest on my plan towards a new, happier me. Part of that is a new weight loss drug I started this morning, part of it is the new exercises every day, and a HUGE part of it is taking time for me, and taking time for me AND my husband.

just a girl... said...

have you thought about a break-up. LOL. And my mom has the same impact on me, the difference. I tell my mom to not ask me if I am okay.

Silicone Alley said...

Pixie...I just want to grab you and hug you!!!!

I've been going through the same thing for months now. I was pretty down in the dumps, to the point where suicide was sounding pretty great (This is the first time I ever admit this). I now know that, suicide would have not been the answer to anything.

I understand your pain of not giving a shit about yourself. I have also gained weight since I stopped caring about myself. I'm not happy about that but for some reason I thought that I didn't deserve to be pretty, healthy, happy. So I hide with food, pain, and self pity.

Stick with your diet plan, buy a new outfit that you would love to fit in, put up reminder all over your house about how fabulous you are, cry when you have to, remember to laugh at yourself and don't forget to have fun with your life!!!!

You deserve to be happy!!!

Cindy said...

I love you and I am here for you. Take care of yourself and everything else will fall in place. One day, hell, one hour at a time.
P.S. I know you have sex.

❉ pixie ❉ said...

blue—A lot of it is just taking the time. And recognizing when you aren't. Husband included.

❉ pixie ❉ said...

just a girl—My Mom is amazing and we are really close. I put the disclaimer in there because I know she is reading and I know she cares. Plus, I am okay, I just needed to vent and didn't want to censor myself because my Mom would read it and react.

Kelwhy said...

i think this is something that every woman goes thru at some point, i've been there before and am SOOOOo close again, reading this I think is helping push me too. It's good to have a strong support group when you're going thru this stuff. augh - i need to kick myself in the butt.

❉ pixie ❉ said...

sili alley—Wow. That is a powerful admittance right there. I can honestly say that I've never felt that down in the dumps. I love myself I just am not digging the blasé attitude I have right now.

We all deserve to be happy & to see ourselves as beautiful. Even you.

And just saying you want to hug me is like getting a hug. Thanks.

❉ pixie ❉ said...

cindy mom—I love you too. Thanks.

Oh, and just because you know I have sex doesn't mean you want to necessarily think about it or the frequency of which I have it.

❉ pixie ❉ said...

kelwhy—I'm glad that MY story could be the push YOU need. I got to a point today where I needed to get it out. I knew that posting about it would help and that I could get some honest feedback from all of you wonderful people. I also had a feeling that I wasn't the only one out there that felt this way. Hearing from you ladies makes me feel that much more normal and supported. Thanks.

Shades said...

I think it's good and healthy for you to air this, instead of keeping it inside, and I'm pleased you did this for yourself. I also think your plan is quite in tune with the dvds I mailed you the other day! so... help is on the way!

Also, I hear alot of myself in this, mostly in that I have started correcting myself when I hear me thinking "Just let me get through the day so I can rest up for the next one." I've really had to remind myself, of late, that life is what's lived in the here and now- here in the trenches. Life doesn't start when we "get through this" or that. Life is not what starts after you make it through the hard stuff.
Life. Is. Now.

Fantastagirl said...

You know what you want to do, and where you want to be. You have access to the tools to get there, and you have the support of your friends to say - YOU CAN DO THIS!!! when you are down.

You can do it, starting right now!

JQ said...

Pixie- More Sex sounds great....maybe even with me? :0

Shades- That is sound advice...I have to keep telling myself that all the time. Also everything does not happen at once. Sometimes it's hard to remain focused.

❉ pixie ❉ said...

shades—I do feel better. The DVD's came yesterday afternoon! Thanks so much! I'll let you know what I think of them. You're playing a big part in my path to loving exercise again—thanks.

fantastagirl—I can do it and I am. Thanks for the vote of confidence!

❉ pixie ❉ said...

jq—Maybe…

Lynda said...

I have been thinking of this too.

Plus, I totally love the disclaimer to your mom. I have had to do that too.

Cruel Shoes said...

I'm late to the hug-party, but I still want to give you one! Can I? :)

I really hope you are feeling a little better by now, and that the act of writing it out and sharing helped. You're very brave for writing this post, and I admire you lots. In fact, I admire you lots anyway. Great kid, great husband, beautiful flowers and designs everywhere, talent... you' as the kids say, have got it goin' on. You'll get through this funk and feel even better about yourself afterwards! Let me know if there's anything I can do for you even though I am in AZ. Want a scorpion encased in lucite? Or a kokopelli figurine? We got lots of that kinda stuff! :)

❉ pixie ❉ said...

lynda—Sometimes disclaimers are necessary.

cruel shoes—Your comment alone helps. I read it again today and it brought a smile to my face. Thanks for the kind words. I'm my own worst critic and it's nice to get positive feedback from people who aren't obligated to tell you nice things.

Vegas Princess said...

You are one of the most solid, dependable and impressive people I know. I am amazed daily at your talent and love and ability to be incredible. Someone like that will find a way to make herself whole and happy again, I just know it.

You though that meeting was geared to you, well you could have been writing this post about me. I have let myself decline to the point I am recognizable. And you helped me see that I need to change, no onw is going to do it for me. So thank you for being so brave and wonderful and airing out all your concerns on the Internets because you have helped someone who needed to hear she is not the only one who feels this way all the time. Thank you, wonderful you!